Tuesday, July 12, 2016

CHANGE BEGAN AFTER THE FUNERAL...and someone is in the house!

October  2011
Email from Dan (still in the hospital after the funeral) 
Sandy
Thanks for coming last nite. It always nice to see you dead father via tv. He will go in the ground today and that seeing him before that happened will mean a lot to me.
Thanks for all  that you have done to help me and mom. 
I am going to take mom to see where my mother-in-law  lives. Introducing her to independent living slowly will give her security knowing that there is a better place that serves three good hot meals a day,  has work out facilities, nurse on staff, daily activities and field trips, gives mom the social networking she craves and has not had in years, if ever.
If Cindy wants to take her to Florida for a month and I think it is  a good Idea....for mom to take a little break from the house. Anything is possible. Mom can continue to live in independent living and keep the home or do other things.
In any event if she ever runs out of money I will help her, I have already told her.
If you guys want to meet before cindy leaves let me know. I will crawl out of here by monday 
Your #1  brother



GETTING ALONG WITHOUT HARRY

Now mom was alone in the 1900 sq. ft. home with a basement on 2 acres. She was sad and very agitated most of the time. She had made a practice of seeing Harry every day for months.  She would make her meals and get dressed up to go to K House. She made a social life out of talking with the women who were there to see their ailing husbands. She would have a good attitude and seemed to enjoy it. As long as he was alive, she was happy.

Now she had nothing to do. We got a service to shovel her snow and mow her lawn. She rarely left the house.

Dad died in October. This meant we had his birthday in November, Thanksgiving and Christmas  without him,  shortly after he passed. It was a huge hole in our family routine. Mom was starting not to cook like she used to. Since I am the oldest, I offered to prepare or organize the holiday meals. We still met at her home, but I coordinated the food. Everyone brought something.

Mom was acting as though she lost her mind. I have seen this more than once: women who married young and lost husbands after 50+ years of marriage  are rendered helpless and unable to cope. One of my mom’s childhood friends lived in a nursing home for 6 months after her husband died, then returned to her home.  My mother forgot to pay her bills and she didn’t remember anything. She was married for 62 years and she could not handle the loss of her partner. 

I understand the loss, but what surprised me was mom always seemed so competent and strong, able to deal with anything. Now she would sit around, doing nothing. Mail and papers began to pile up. The house was getting messy. She didn’t care any more.  She was going downhill and it scared me. When we talked to her about moving someday, she would glare at us and say, “Harry built me this home and I am going to stay here.” She accused me of stealing money from her. She canceled a bank account that had my name as a beneficiary. She lost a checkbook and canceled it altogether.


It hurt me that she thought I would take her money. Sadly, the accusations would become an almost daily occurrence in the future. She forgot to pay some bills and someone needed to help her. I was the one in charge of her money.


Email October 28th from Dan:   
Hello Everyone
Today I went to moms. before anybody gets weird I want to say mom loves all her children. She just lost her husband. She is alone. And most of all she wants control of her own life.
 Now there have been some gremlins in her house yet mom is not a danger to herself. She is freaking out a little though, and like all of us this manifest itself in stranger behavior
than normal. 
(THIS WAS DAN’S WAY OF SAYING MOM WAS SURE THERE WAS SOMEONE IN HER HOME, AND THAT WAS NOT TRUE.)
 The sky is not falling. None of us have control over mom. 
 We all have control of her home and her money. 
 Mom wants some control....changing locks etc. 
The locksmith is coming Monday at 3 pm. She said she would give me a key and  I said NO!  I want her to have as much dignity and control as she can muster in her last years. If she sees things and none of us has a key then SHE WILL UNDERSTAND SOMETHING IS WRONG. Right now it just seems like everyone’s against her.  Let’s all step back and breathe a little. A lot has happened to all of us these last couple of years. If all of moms money burns up (because she does something that we cant control) then I will personally guarantee her care.  I want nothing in return EXCEPT all of us stop the general insanity (which effects all of our health  and relationships) 
If anyone wants to communicate their feelings do it by email and send to all the other kids. None of us have to hide our feelings. It is unhealthy, and time consuming to call each other and vent anxiety, fear and misplaced anger.


So mom thinks she has a tractor missing. I stood there and went through papers with her and after 20 minutes I thought I would get the real story. Brenda, your version is right. However, if mom thinks she gains control, dignity, or her identity back by getting a stupid tractor. Please give it back. I am not trying to be a dick by saying I would buy it back, I'm just trying to make something right for an 83 year old women that was told what to do and how to feel for 64 f……g years by a tyrant of a husband. Can’t we all give mom a break!
How many years do you think she has left?  Dan

We did not know mom was going to behave like this for the rest of her life, although sometimes it wasn't too bad.

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