I have heard that if a person has a certain character trait, it is amplified when they get old. I personally believe that is true. Dad was in FW for a few more months. We thought it might be a good idea to find housing that catered to Dementia and Alzheimer’s patients.
Most nursing homes I have visited have a “poop” smell. I know that sounds bad, but it is true. We visited a privately owned facility that catered to Alzheimers. It smelled pretty good, and they had systems to get the residents out of their rooms as much as possible. They also had them on a bathroom schedule, for less accidents. I’m going to call this place “K House.”
The staff there was great. They treated him well and I was amazed that he would smile at the women who took care of him. We all struggled with our visits, because he would barely talk. One thing he kept saying to mom, “Let’s blow this pop stand, Dot!” Or, “Let’s get the hell out of this place, Dorothy!” Mom emphatically insisted that she would take him home, but only when he was strong enough and able to toilet himself.
Because Dad insisted he wanted to come home, mom had an idea. One day, she had us all come over her home and told us Dad was visiting. Dan brought Dad home and we were going to eat mom’s home made pizza as a family. Mom made great pizza.
Dad was completely overwhelmed. He used to sit at the front window and look outside. We sat him there and he yelled at us, telling us we were moving too fast, talking too fast and he could not relax. He couldn’t even eat the pizza. He was upset and he realized he didn’t belong there anymore. All he ever wanted to do was be at his “home,” and he was unable to enjoy even a minute of being there.
Alzheimer’s patients do not do well with change or unfamiliar surroundings, and even though it was familiar before, it was a strange place. Even though Harry had said, “They’ll have to take me out of here in a box,” his body betrayed him. He no longer had the strength nor the ability to live in his beloved home with the 2 acres until he died. It was very sad.
Dad was in a wheelchair now, so my brother had to carry him in and out. I felt bad for Dan. He struggled so much with this whole scenario, and he was the youngest and the only boy. Talking to dad was almost impossible because, even with the hearing aids, he did not hear well. The hearing aid technician told me he had almost total hearing loss. His eyesight was poor as well.
Dan would go to McDonald’s before he visited dad and buy french fries. Dad’s eyes lit up when he smelled them. Dan fed them to him one at a time. Dad seemed to enjoy that quite a bit. It also made Dan feel like he could do something for his father. I could tell this really hit my brother very hard, even though he struggled (as we all did) with the relationship with Dad. We all felt so helpless and unequipped to handle what was happening.
Email 6/24/11 from Dan
hello
mom said dad fell out of bed last night, the aids said dad said he was ok......the remedy is to get a real hospital bed...obviously the costs doesn’t matter on this one.
previously mom has told me that a woman living in a room adjacent to dad was a "spy" and would dothe hiring and the firing in the facility
Also, sandy reported that mom saw all the checks ripped out of the check book and dan must have stolen all her money.
while i have been listening to sandy weekly about these kind of things i don't want to continue to be in denial
I don’t want to wait for mom to get in another accident (the recent fender bender mom said she didn’t realize it had happened ..the guy saw she was old...she told her about dad and the guy drove off)
So the financial challenge is that as long as dad is alive if mom sells the house that money could drain...
bad time to quit drinking :o Dan
Email 6/28/11 from Dan
..Connie and I went to see him Sunday and took furniture and hung family pictures....He can't see them but people who come to see him in that depressing room will be distracted and maybe he will feed off that energy. Before we hung them I helped dad to the bathroom and took his pants down and held him while he went…he’s not as strong as mom suggests...then after we hung pictures dad saw us and was terribly excited..he couldn’t form words (he feels alone and as if he’s in prison) we took him to the kitchen and he sobbed uncontrollably....yet as we opened the donut box he was like a kid in the candy store. (he ate several)...the thing that sucks is that he won’t get physical therapy there...(they say they walk him but I have never seen it) the aid says they don’t do physical therapy. yet if he did it would be like watching a 3 year old old. you'd have to watch 24/7. And when he was at home he would just shut down in his shell and would interact as much as he is at K House.....Mom will have to go next…she's up and down ...Sunday she seemed good.
While this is bad the thing that is good is that I seem to be living better. Taking time to look at things the way they are. I saw some of the guys I worked with 35 years ago and they all looked 80 years old. I still feel 28.
So hug the people that matter to you and promise yourself that you will do just one thing today that makes you feel great.
Then do that every day Dan
Email 8/23/11
Hey it's been a while... Just thought I'd share a few things with you all. First of all, Dad was sick last week and one day they had a guy come in and play old songs like "Daisy, Daisy" and old show tunes. He got them to sing along and I did, too. I looked over at Dad, and I could see him lipping the words. My heart broke, it was sweet and pitiful, but I think he was enjoying himself for a bit. I also brought my laptop to show Dad some old pictures on another day, but he got agitated and said "Remember, remember, remember! Why are you tormenting me?" I think he was just not feeling well, but I left after only about 20 minutes and was in tears. we all need to try and see him a little more often. Even when I left (he was coughing all over , runny nose, etc.), he looked at me like "Leaving so soon?"
Sigh...On another note- Mom called on Friday and had a Dr appointment. I went, she had blood tests, and I had Dr T test her memory. He gave her 30 questions and she passed with flying colors. However, I told him that she accuses us of going in her house and taking things-her ice cream bars, her underwear, and moving the bar in her patio doors. He told mom he is CERTAIN THAT WE ARE NOT TAKING HER UNDERWEAR, and while she passed the test, that it is not uncommon for 80 somethings to have periods of paranoia. so he won't test her again for another year.
That's all I can say about that.............Have a great day! Love Bren
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