Back to Counseling-the stress was too much for me to handle.

Email 9/9/11

Hi to my siblings,

For some reason TODAY I got hit with a wave of emotion and want to cry. What triggered it was going to the bank for mom.  The SAVINGS account that mom gets direct deposit for SS and pension does not have my name on it. The new account does. They cannot put me on the account. They have to open a NEW one and that means mom will have to change her deposit (rather I will) so they get their money. I was totally aggravated because they did not know how to fix it.

Wednesday MOM let me take over her bills. The bank (I will not mention their name) would not let me take out the money to pay them.

I was there 45 minutes and at then  I started to meltdown. We are ALL doing things we do not want to do-but when a roadblock happens it hits you.  I already had to argue with mom twice that morning about the account and she asked me to pay the nursing home bill 2 DAYS AGO and today she yelled "I Paid that bill already!" The other day I realized I know how people abuse the elderly. They are nasty, belligerent, LOUD and unappreciative.  I am not liking this at all. All I am trying to do is help a confused older woman who just happens to be my mother. We were at the bank for about an hour an a half. The whole time the banking people were looking at me like I was trying to take mom's money. 

She called me and asked me where Harry's short white robe is. I said, "Did you take it to the nursing home?" She can't remember. It's like talking to a child. How the heck do I know where it is?

Thanks for listening. I just needed to vent.

San

9/9/11

We need to safety pin a note to her to tell her what is happening.   As in, right now I am emailing Sandy. Now I am thinking of how to console Sandy.   Now, she is  putting her  toothpaste in the pantry. and later she will swear Danny moved it there!  You get the picture- WE CAN ONLY DO SO MUCH-You can vent to me any time...We appreciate the time and effort it takes to handle all these things, Sandy.  Hope your day gets better!   Bren

Back to Counseling

I went to counseling for different reasons in my life. Gratefully I found Dr. Becky, who helped me navigate through difficult times.  During this time I decided I needed some help coping with the changes in my parents. One day my dad began hitting me as I was visiting him. We were in a common area with a T.V. set. He thought he was at work, and he kept telling me to “punch his time card.” He pointed  to the television and I said, “Dad, I don’t know what you are talking about,” He was in a wheelchair and he began to hit me and told me I was stupid, etc. I even walked over to a nurse and asked her what he might be talking about. She made the “He’s crazy” gesture to me.  Dad kept cursing under his breath.  Just then my mom walked in and it was a though someone flipped a switch. His countenance changed and he was smiling.

I, on the other hand, was a mess. When I left I got in my car and screamed. I was shaking I was so mad. I was almost 60 years old and my father was HITTING me! I didn’t even want to go and see him, yet I did. It was a duty that I had to perform. This is such a terrible feeling to have, yet so many families experience it.

My therapist had been a life saver for me. Her help and advice in so many scenarios had been invaluable. Since I had a long term relationship with her, it was easy to go back for what I called a  “tune up.”

Her best advice to me about my father was to “minimize survivor guilt.” What that meant to me was: do whatever I could  do to be free of guilt when he died. She told me to visit when I thought I could. She suggested I never be alone with him. (I had many issues with my dad, this is not the place to talk about them.)  So I made sure I was there for holidays, birthdays, about every week to 10 days when I knew a sibling or my mother was there. I made sure I was never alone with him. It worked like a charm!

My visits were short and sweet, so I fulfilled my duties as a daughter. I barely talked to him, but that was fine with me. No one could ever say I didn’t visit him. He didn't notice that I was not there much. Dad's mind was going. I was so glad I talked to Becky because it made a huge difference in the coming month.